Brace yourself…and damn you Leonardo DiCaprio….

Oh yes we’ve run out of feckin’ bread! Now it’s storm Emma and the Beast from the East, bringing Arctic conditions to our little, green Island. Sure won’t white be nice for a change? There is an element of panic that always slightly amuses and considerably annoys me. I guarantee you, alcohol sales have shot through the roof, along with there not being a scrap of bread in the shops. You wouldn’t want to be caught out without a drop of gargle in a snow storm now would you?

On Monday, official Ireland responded with some wonderful language. The worst winter weather in 36 years is predicted, but the Met Office said,” there may be a possibility of a large snow event.” Sounds like the Winter Olympics are coming! But don’t panic, the Government have vowed to “Keep the country open.” That being said, they’ll close the schools for a start, then the buses will stop, forget the LUAS!

Keep the country open! The first hint of snow always means my usual half hour trip home takes three hours, as every fecker who has never seen snow on a road before, will panic or just flippin’ crash into something for the sake of it.

 

We’ve been told to brace ourselves and get winter ready. When has an Irish person EVER been winter ready? Rain ready yes, but snow…Jaybus no! Where are all those LIDL and ALDI snow shovels when you need them eh? Brace ourselves indeed – it sounds like how the Nuns used to explain foreplay to good Catholic girls back in 1970’s Ireland.

“You’ll kneel down, say a prayer that you’ll conceive of this act then turn the lights out wait for your husband to come to bed and then you brace yourself.”

There is nothin’ like Catholic shame and guilt to get you in the mood. On that very subject, rumour has it that Arctic storms like this tend to result in a spike in births 9 months later – so – brace yourself ladies. Perhaps that’s what the government meant to say?

Somewhere in Russia, they are flicking through clickbait on the internet and seeing that there is a possibility of blizzards and -10 degree centigrade in Ireland. Some Ivan or Ivana is looking skyward and thinking “sounds delightful.” Those Vodka drinkin’ hardy boys and girls would be swimming in the Volga at -10.

There are Canadians, Scandinavians and a whole bunch of other ‘ians, laughing their holes off wondering what’s the big deal. Well let me tell you guys there is a difference. Countries that are familiar with the snow and cold, are prepared. They have winter tyres, snow chains, 4X4’s, proper snow shovels, not just a spade you use to plant tulips. They have fur coats made from animals they have shot with their own rifles and deer meat hanging on the back porch to get them through. They have gritted roads, snow ploughs, gloves – proper ones that don’t soak up the snow, snow shoes, winter- proof houses and common sense.

We have fella’s driving Nissan Micras with bald tyres at 4mph down the motorway being overtaken by BMW’s with summer tyres passing them in the fast lane at 100mph thinking they are invincible. There’ll be people, feckin’ dinner salt on the snow two days after it lands, pouring kettles of boiling water on their front steps where they’ll invariably come a cropper later on that day.

Some auld langer in a pair of speedos will be on the telly swimming in the 40 foot, saying that he has swam there every day since Jesus was a boy and a little bit of snow won’t stop him. Keep the country open? If this storm is a quarter as bad as predicted, we’ll be scavenging for food and turning on each other with pikes before the week is out. Remember that book and film Alive, about the Argentinian rugby team who crashed in the Andes and started eating their dead. Well that’s were we are headed if we’re not careful.

 

Don’t Panic? I’ve already dug a fallout shelter in case we get cut off from the rest of the world and the Trumpster starts feckin’ missiles at the Russians for telling on him about the whole election fraud thingy. There could be an all-out nuclear war and we won’t even hear about it!

This morning we woke up to find out that in fact, the Met office underestimated the early snowfall.  Had to dig my way out and the roads were a flippin’ disaster. Of course I had no problem, because I engage the thing called ‘my brain’ when driving in the snow. Honestly, if you don’t know how to drive in the snow – DON’T DO IT! Strictly speaking it’s not hard, higher gear than usual, low speed, no sudden movements, don’t brake unnecessarily and keep your distance.  You’d want to see the Muppets I met on the road this morning.

Now the problem for me is getting home of course. All the eejits I met this morning will  be heading back, only in more of a hurry to get home than they were to get to work.  Lucky I’m a man with lots and lots of  patience. So long as I remember to have a wazz before I leave, I’ll be fine.

Now the yellow alert has jumped through orange to red alert. We have the Beast from the East, meeting up with storm Emma, to deliver the apocalypse sometime on Thursday night and in the meantime what we’re getting, is just getting worse.

Maybe I’m overreacting. Perhaps the sense of impending terror that RTE news has induced in me, is starting to make me lose the plot, I’m not sure. But you never know, I still have to drive home and anything can happen.  If you don’t hear from me in ten hours, don’t bother sending out a search party. While there are strictly speaking no wolves in Ireland, going by the weather forecast, every stretch of water between here and the Baltic will be frozen solid, so the wolves will just walk here. Like I say don’t come looking for me, it won’t be safe. Just assume the wolves have got me.
Or worse still… Oh my God what about the bears – (that we don’t strictly have here yet – the same rule applies like the wolves).  I completely forgot about the bears.  I should never have watched The Revenant – Damn you Leonardo DiCaprio! Now I can’t get that image out of my head. What image? – Look it up if you haven’t seen the movie, it’s the only part worth watching anyway and I won’t be spoiling it for you. According to the forecast- if you haven’t seen it by now…you’re probably too late…

Haven’t read a Max Power book yet?  I think it’s time to pick one up.
Max Power’s books include, Darkly Wood, Darkly Wood II The woman who never wore shoes, Larry Flynn, Bad Blood and Little Big Boy
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